The love that dares to speak its name

The love that dares to speak its name: interracial queer marriage in the age of Prop 8

My handsome wuzband Susan and I are approaching our third wedding anniversary. Since we live in Minnesota, where marriage equality is but still a dream, we flew to Massachusetts to get hitched.

This morning we were remembering that happy weekend as we were musing over coffee about the California Supreme Court upholding Prop 8 yesterday and the fuss by some over the so-called usurping of "civil rights" by queer folk who are fighting for marriage equality. Our marriage is interracial. Given that when we were children, interracial heterosexual marriage was illegal in some states, our marriage is directly linked to civil rights and gay rights. Together, for us, civil rights + gay rights = marriage equality.

So when I fired up my computer, I was ecstatic when I twittered upon this great post - Black and gay -- and reclaiming civil rights - by Pam Spaulding, the blogger extraordinaire behind Pam's House Blend. Be sure to read the whole post, but she says:

As someone who is black and lesbian, it's tiring and absurd to encounter the argument that the black civil rights movement somehow exclusively owns the ability to use "civil rights." And the result of that is any challenge to this thinking amounts to stepping on the third rail.

There is no Oppression Olympics that requires a certain level of historic suffering by a group of people to be able to use those words. I refuse to cede them to anyone.

In the Bay State Banner, there is an article by Talia Whyte, "Black gay couples in Mass. mark marriage anniversary," that shows just how black gays, even prominent ones, have had to deal with the issue of being rendered invisible -- but how marriage equality in the state has begun to crack through the wall of homophobia within the black community there.

As a white person who lives in a family of African American people, I know that for black queer folk, racism from without and homophobia from within the community grapevines together in a way that is specific to the black gay experience. Marriage equality is one more step on the continuum of the fight for civil rights. To separate it further divides our queer community and further isolates black queer people from the larger black community.

Pam reflects on this in her post:

In other words, there is no ownership of "civil rights." One can acknowledge the struggles are different, but the commonality is the need to eliminate discrimination under the law. It doesn't have anything to do with the bible, those words don't pass judgment upon one struggle over another.

In fact, Dr. King built his movement based on the teachings of Gandhi -- so who's hijacking what -- and more importantly, why does it matter? The argument is ludicrous on its face, yet the appropriation of "civil rights" is allowed to occur. It serves no one to do this -- and the reason is quite clear -- whites don't want to have the difficult conversation and chance being labeled racist for bringing it up, blacks who oppose equality for LGBTs toss out the race card to avoid the discussion. Those of us who are in both groups are continually frustrated by the task of having to take this topic on almost always alone.

So back to our marriage, which falls in the cross hairs of this debate (stay with me, it all comes together). One of the most moving moments of our wedding day was an exchange between Susan and her mother, who had flown in from Iowa to see her "baby" (Susan is the youngest of five girls) get married. Minutes before the ceremony was to begin I noticed Susan standing aside with her mother, who was adjusting the handkerchief and tie on Susan's very fly suit, and saying softly "Oh my baby girl, you look so beautiful, I'm so happy for you. I love you."

That profoundly personal moment is captured forever in the photo below, complete with a weeping Susan (I'm sharing it with you all for the sake of the cause and with permission).

Please understand the context here: Susan's mom is a 60-something, middle class, pillar-in-her-community, church-going black woman. Yet there she was, stepping over the homophobia that is ingrained in her community (as is a discomfort with interracial marriage), to embrace the fact that her beloved daughter was marrying another woman, was marrying a white woman, and was about to do so dressed to the nines in a "man's" suit. My own father was not yet prepared to "step over" those facts (he's there now, but it took a while).

Later, back in Minnesota, we had an outdoor reception for our friends and family, and re-stated our vows to share that moment with the people we love. My two young adult children stood up for me, and my toddler granddaughter wandered in and out of the ceremony, totally stealing the show.

Our marriage. An ordinary story. Not political in the context of our everyday life. But political and revolutionary in the context of the struggle for civil rights in our country and our shared insistence that we live up to the premise that we all deserve equal rights under the law.

Queer Voices: A special GLBT Pride Reading June 14

Obama and Gay Marriage or Shut the Hell Up and Let the Man Run the Country

Obama and Gay Marriage or Shut the Hell Up and Let the Man Run the Country
by Brandon Lacy Campos

Brandon Lacy Campos, ever fierce and brilliant, gives his take on why queer activists need to get some perspective in his recent blog about Obama and gay marriage. I encourage you to read the whole thing but here are a couple of excerpts:

So, I have seen numerous articles lately yellin' and screamin' and lambastin' Obama for not speaking out on the subject of gay marriage. Though President Obama has made his support for civil rights clear, and though he has made mention in the past that he supports civil unions, and though every indicator shows that if the Democrats in Congress got their thumbs out of their asses and passed a repeal of the Defense of Marriage Act he would sign it, still, certain, largely privileged white middle class gays, seem to think that Obama should stop his work on the economy, health care, two wars, and poverty in order to take up arms on the gay marriage front. Get a damn life people.

Feeling a little uncomfortable yet? Here's more.

Let's be clear: Obama is not perfect, but he is working on the bigger picture...which, right now, means getting the almost 10% of people in this country that are unemployed back to work. That means ending two wars that are draining tens of billions of dollars a month out of our economy and killing innocent soliders and innocent Iraqis and Afghanis. That means changing our health care system so that it makes sense and the 40 million uninsured in this nation have access to health care. THOSE are the issues that Obama should be focused on. THOSE are the issues that he is focused on. And the largely white gay men that are attempting to UNSTRATEGICALLY force his hand are going to do nothing but lay the groundwork for a base splitting circus that will, in the long term, hurt the queer movement and result in a retardation of the amazing work around marriage equality that has already been done.

As a queer woman who flew to Massachusetts to legally marry my handsome wuzband three years ago, I am a strong supporter of the right for queer folk to marry. I frankly can't believe we aren't there already. Not everyone wants to get married, but could we at least have the choice!? But here's something to ponder: If more white, queer middle class folks would stop seeing queer marriage as THE issue for our community and realize that housing, immigration rights, racial justice, poverty, prison reform are our issues, too... well THAT would change the dialogue all together.

Brandon is right. Obama's got a program and he's working it. We should, too.

Brandon Lacy Campos blogs at My Feet Only Walk Forward

And for anyone who might be questioning Obama's comfort with and support for queer folks, check out this line from his comments at the May 9 White House Correspondents' Association Dinner:

"David Axelrod is here. Yeah David and I have been, been together for a long time. I, I can still remember. I get a, sort of, I, I tear up a little bit, when I, when I think back to that day that I called Ax, so many years ago and said, 'You and I can do wonderful things together.' And he said to me the same thing that partners all across America are saying to one another right now: 'Let's go to Iowa and make it official.'"

'Nuff said.

Lastly, on a different but related note, check out (openly lesbian) Wanda Sykes, featured at the same White House Correspondents' Dinner, who just hits it out of the ball park!

Part 1:

Part 2:

Cross post from A Slant Truth: People Liked Obama, Don’t Worry; It’s 0nly Black People

I am cross-posting a wicked post from Kevin of "A Slant Truth." This guy is razor sharp. Follow his blog! I've added his post here, but go to his blog post and be sure to read the comments, especially that call him racist for calling out racism! Post-racial life, indeed.

A Slant Truth

If You Thought People Liked Obama, Don’t Worry; It’s 0nly Black People.

By Kevin ⋅ May 1, 2009

One of my non-blogging buddies (one of the coolest mofos on the planet, actually) tipped me to this nice little article, by Byron York, entitled The black-white divide in Obama’s popularity. Imagine the look on my face when I read this, the very first paragraph (actually, don’t imagine that look; it’s not pretty):

On his 100th day in office, Barack Obama enjoys high job approval ratings, no matter what poll you consult. But if a new survey by the New York Times is accurate, the president and some of his policies are significantly less popular with white Americans than with black Americans, and his sky-high ratings among African-Americans make some of his positions appear a bit more popular overall than they actually are.

Um, yeah…WTF?

This dude actually wrote this. Here, let me translate this for you:

Black people don’t count (or if they do count, they sure as hell don’t count for more than 3/5’s of a white person) so, even if President Obama has a high approval rating, it’s not accurate (or actual) because black folks are all up in the mix. We all know that only white people’s opinions matter, right?

The entire article says nothing other than black people like Obama, and so he’s not really as popular as you think he is. It doesn’t matter that we happen to be members of the population and so our opinions count too. It doesn’t matter that black folks also overwhelmingly liked Bill Clinton. No one challenged Bill Clinton’s popularity because black folks loved him (ok, now that I think on this some more, I bet a good handful of folks did, but still). But when a lot of black folks happen to like another black dude, well then obviously something is amiss.

Post-Racial United States. Gotta love it.

Aging is essential to living

Me at 22, 32, 42, and 52 (12 and 2 coming if I can find any)

This is not self-indulgent. This is not about aging "well" or "not well." It is simply an illustation of life. We are born. We grow. We die. How many decades of photos we can compile is a mixture of chance, genes, and grace.